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Emotional intelligence is akin to empathy. Its the ability to read other peoples feelings, and respond in an appropriate way. Emotionally intelligent people succeed because they form good connections with others, are trusted and liked. When you understand how and when to be sympathetic, supportive, direct, and trustworthy or gentle with people, they trust you and learn to rely on you. This creates a framework for business and personal interactions that form lasting, productive relationships.
To develop emotional intelligence, you must learn to focus not only on your own wants and needs, but the wants and needs of others. This requires learning delayed gratification, patience, and concern for more than just the bottom line. Emotional Intelligence is also essentially emotional maturity, which means your mind can manage your emotions. According to Goleman, the five characteristics of emotional intelligence are: Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation, Motivation, Empathy and Social Skills.
Self-Awareness: People with high EI understand their emotions, and because of this, they dont let their feelings rule them. They know the difference between feeling and thinking, and can use thinking to moderate feelings, without ignoring them or quashing them. Theyre confidentbecause they trust their intuition and their good judgment, which is a result of using feelings and intelligent thought to assess situations. People who have emotional intelligence are willing to take an honest look at themselves, see themselves realistically. They know their strengths and weaknesses, and they work on these areas so they can perform better. They have realistic positive self-regard, which means they have reasonable standards for their own good behavior. They care about others, but are not co-dependent. They can set boundaries for their own self-protection. This self-awareness is an essential foundation of EI.
Self-Regulation: Also known as self-control and impulse control, this is the ability to control emotions and impulses. People who self-regulate typically dont allow themselves to become too angry or jealous; they dont have temper tantrums or hysterical outbursts and they dont make impulsive, careless decisions. They think before they act or react. Characteristics of self-regulation are thoughtfulness, comfort with change, integrity, and the ability to say no. They are good at delayed gratification, understanding that waiting for what they want may bring better results. They operate on an internal code of ethics rather than a standard of behavior which is imposed from without.
Motivation: People with a high degree of EI are usually motivated. Theyre willing to defer immediate results for long-term success. Theyre highly productive, love a challenge, and are very effective in whatever they do. They understand that motivation comes from celebration and appreciation, and are willing to motivate themselves and others when appropriate.
Empathy: This is the ability to identify with and understand the wants, needs, and viewpoints of those around you. Empathetic people are good at recognizing the feelings of others, even when those feelings may not be obvious. As a result, empathetic people are usually excellent at managing relationships, listening to, and relating to others. They avoid stereotyping and judging too quickly, and they live their lives in a very open, honest way. They exhibit generosity and benevolence, and a positive attitude towards others.
Social Skills: Good social skills are another sign of high EI. They know how to cooperate, to be team players. Rather than focus on their own success first, they understand that success comes through helping others develop and shine. They can manage disputes, are excellent communicators, and are masters at building and maintaining relationships. In addition to the empathy on which these social skills are based, people with high EI also are good at patience, generosity, trustworthiness, gratitude, sympathy and theyre emotionally responsive.
Here is how to recognize emotional intelligence in yourself and others:
1. Whats one indication a person has no EQ whatsoever?
He or she has no idea what to respond to a statement or question about emotions. How do you feel about only elicits what he or she thinks, if anything.
2. Whats the downside of relating to someone with little or no emotional intelligence? Its not very satisfying, because we all like to have emotional understanding and empathy. It also means the person will not be good at listening or sympathizing with your experience.
3. If we cant detect any emotional intelligence, should we distance ourselves from the person?
If the relationship is going well, its going well. This question wont matter. If you are frustrated by a lack of emotional intelligence, and everything else is OK, you could try to teach it, draw it out of your friend, relative or partner, but it takes a lot of patience. Its like explaining feelings to a three-year-old.
4. What if the person has some EQ? What can you do to help them develop more EQ?
Be very responsive and supportive when his or her EQ is on display. If he or she does something thoughtful, be sure and express your gratitude. If she or he listens sympathetically to you or someone else, praise him or her for it.
5. Whats one way we can encourage others to continue being emotionally present and intelligent?
Be emotionally responsive to him or her. Give him or her room to respond emotionally and thoughtfully to you; dont be impatient, its not very emotionally intelligent.
6. Why are people with good EQ desirable?
High emotional intelligence creates closeness, comforting, empathy and affection in your relationship. Its easy to have fun or share feelings with someone with high EQ. You can count on a high EQ person to be kind and considerate.
To develop emotional intelligence:
Before embarking on any new encounter or activity, do the following steps:
1. Make a mental note of the possibilities: Can you learn something there? Can you meet a new friend? Will just getting out of the house and around new people feel good?
2. Remind yourself of your goals: Youre going there to enjoy the people there and to have fun.
3. Review your positive personal qualities: What do your friends like about you? What do you like about you? Your intelligence, your sense of humor, your style, your conversation skills? Are you a kind and caring person? Reminding yourself of these qualities means you will radiate that positive energy.
4. Have a positive outlook: Research shows that people who have a positive outlook have better lives, partly because a positive attitude is attractive and charming, and people are drawn to it. As a result, you make friends. When you are positive you are supportive of yourself and others, you notice the good things more than the bad things, which makes it easier to connect to others. In addition, you feel much better about yourself, which means you feel more deserving of friends. Its a positive spiral, and goes up and up.
5. Be interesting: Wear attractive, but interesting, clothingsomething that reflects who you are. If you like travel, for example, wear a shirt, scarf, tie or jewelry from another country, or wear something that reflects your ethnic background, or a hobby (sports, the outdoors, a Hawaiian-type shirt with surfboards, gardening implements or an animal print). It will help start conversations. Match your energy to the energy of the people around you. Obviously, if youre dancing or eating barbecue poolside, the energy level will be pretty high. If youre having quiet conversations at a cocktail party, discussing books, taking a class, or sitting down to dinner, the energy will be more mellow and focused.
6. Pay attention: Look around you, and seek to make friends. Notice whos around you and whats interesting or attractive about them, find an interesting thing about what theyre wearing, and complement it. Excuse me, but I couldnt help noticing that gorgeous color; it looks great on you. or, What an interesting watch! Does it have a story?
7. Prepare in advance: Read up on some fascinating topics to talk aboutthe background doings of a hit movie, some new technology advance, or a cool new trend. Then, when someone wants to talk to you, youll have something to say.
8. Find a way to help: What needs doing that you might enjoy? If youre in a new environment, I recommend finding a job to do. Dont just say what can I do to help? Instead, volunteer for something specific: to greet people and show them around, or keep the food table replenished, or refill drinks. It will give you a feeling of belonging, a great excuse to meet everyone, and youll be busy enough to keep your nervousness at bay. The host or hostess will be grateful and remember you later.
9. Follow through: If you do meet someone youd like to know better, follow the event or meeting with an invitation for coffee. The best friendships begin in these social situations.
Emotionally Intelligent conversations are like tennis matches. That is, the other person serves he or she asks a question or makes a statement. Then, you volley back you answer the question with the kind of answer that invites a response. For example:
He: How do you know our hostess?
You: We went to school together. I like Pams friendliness, dont you?
This invites your companion to respond, and keeps the volley going. If the conversational thread ends, the next serve is yours. If you have to re-start the conversation too often, excuse yourself and move on. That person is not interested enough. If you force the other person to do all the conversational work he or she will move on pretty quickly. One-syllable answers are a pretty clear indication of lack of interest, even if you didnt mean it to be that way. Instead, turn on your charm, and the other person will want more time with you.
